Sour Patch Kids cookies… It’s a thing?

I love Sour Patch Kids just as much as the next 80’s child, but when I was sitting on my couch binge watching Real Housewives of Atlanta chomping away at a 1.9lb. bag of SPK, I glanced at the back of the bag to see a recipe for Sour Patch Kids sugar cookies, and even I said ‘Too far, SPK, too far!’

Notice the top corner says ‘Great for Sharing’, yeah right. I plan to eat every last one of these and then funnel the leftover sour dust into my mouth as my husband stares at me in horror. Nom nom nom…

I’m not sure if it was the utter disgust that drove me to make these cookies or a secret desire to taste them, so I’ll say it was for the people. It’s for you, dear reader. I risked my health and embarked on making Sour Patch Kids sugar cookies to bring more awareness and transparency to the world. Noble, you say? Well, I’m not one to toot my own horn, but sure.

The recipe was pretty simple, buy a package of sugar cookie mix, mix with some SPK, and bake. If you want all the specifics, here’s a snapshot of the recipe:

I realize I already messed up this recipe because I used pre-made sugar cookie dough. I think I was supposed to buy boxed sugar cookie mix, which actually would require some effort to make, but I feel confident this mishap did not jeopardize the outcome of these cookies.

I love these graphics. You can tell that not even the employees of SPK were willing to try this recipe: all the images are cartoon cookies. I can see how this played out internally – the marketing team was sitting around a conference room throwing ideas at the wall to create an uptick in Sour Patch Kids sales. Some intern in the corner quietly mumbles, ‘What about a cookie?’ The team looks at her, not sure if they should fire her, or promote her. Is this a stroke of genius… or a stroke? Ultimately they decide she must know what she’s talking about, she’s a millennial! She knows how to tap into her very lucrative market. Yes, we’ll put a cookie recipe on the back! By golly, we’ll use the tagline:

Sour Patch Kids cookies. It’s a thing.

Because it can’t be anything else. It can’t be good and it sure as shit isn’t healthy. So it’s… a thing. Like Bronies or hermit crabs.

But I have to hand it to them, they are covering their asses. They aren’t promising you anything. In fact, they are probably laughing at you, I mean, they did just get you to bake a bunch of little kids into a cookie. Who’s the idiot now?

I baked these a couple different ways to see which one would come out the most appealing. I first tried what I call the Hansel and Gretel Happy Family:

And then I tried the Fargo Winter Thaw, on account that it looks like bodies in the melting snow.

Lastly, I chopped up a bunch of Sour Patch Kids for a Dexter cookie. While it is the most appealing, I won’t be sleeping for a month after this one.

The hard work is complete and the irreversible psychological damage is done. Now just bake for 14 minutes and voila! I present Sour Patch Kids Sugar Cookies:

Hmm. I’m not going to let the appearance get to me. I’m following through with this. I’m going to try it…

Yuck! Oh god, it’s a burst of sour orange out of nowhere! Why?!?! Why would they do this to me?!? My taste buds are on a sugar cookie journey only to get ransacked by some sour patch bandits on the side of the road. In the words of Michael Scott: NO! Dear God please no! NOOOOOOO….!

So there you have it, my review on Sour Patch Kids cookies. I’m going to call this a Double Nailed It, where the original is just as bad as the attempted. My biggest regret is I am now 20 Sour Patch Kids short, best eaten in their natural overly-processed state.

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