“How many teachers does Liam have? Do you have a warmer that plugs in and melts smelly wax? Do you like Christmas doilies? “
That’s a text message from my mom. I know what’s happening. I know she’s staring at the 90% OFF rack at Lowes and she’s thinking: ‘Suckers. I can use my employee discount on top of that. It’s criminal!’
I don’t know how many teachers my son has. I do have a ‘warmer that plugs in and melts smelly wax’ because she got me one two years ago. And I do like Christmas doilies, but I have such a motley crew of Christmas decorations from this woman, I can’t possibly take anymore. How do I say politely – stop buying me shit.
I’m probably going to sound ungrateful, and there’s no doubt in my mind my mom is going to call me after this goes live and say “well… I’m never buying you a gift again.” But I need to tell the people! My mom gives the weirdest stuff.
I will say this article will actually raise up and validate all these items, making them the gifts that keep on giving. However, I’m pretty sure my mom only buys gifts that are at least 50% off. Let’s just say, she goes for quantity.
Follow me as I take you through a journey of gifts my mom has purchased for me over the years. My ‘daughters guilt’ creates a need to display these around the house.
The Cat Pillow
There was one year, back when I was single, my mom bought me 9 (!!!) cat-related gifts for Christmas. This is one of them, a pillow that says ‘Never trust anyone who doesn’t like cats.’
I say, “Never trust anyone who has a pillow that says ‘Never trust anyone who doesn’t like cats.'”
Mermaid with Cat Print
This was the same year as the cat pillow. I can tell you exactly what she was thinking when she bought this:
Sarah lives at the beach + Sarah has a cat = Sarah needs this print.
I had so many questions when she sent this to me! Why isn’t the mermaid in the water? Why is this cat at the beach? Why is her tit hanging out? Like, what was the artists angle there? And why do I feel like I have to keep this?!?!
This, along with cat pillow, live in the guest bedroom. I secretly place it there in hopes my mom will realize how absurd all these gifts are when she visits, but she honestly seems to enjoy them. Justing putting on her lipgloss in the guest bathroom while some topless mermaid stares longingly at a cat. It’s her jam.
Side bar – my mom also bought a mermaid breastfeeding a human baby for my sister, who had just had her first child. Putting aside all question marks in my head with that one, I do think this may have been a brilliant plan to make me take dating seriously. Like, if I settle down and have a family, I’ll stop getting cat gifts and start getting mildly less creepy gifts.
The Wine Charms
Oh, the wine charms. She actually sent me two sets of wine charms this year, the colorful flowers and the light up pumpkins which would actually be of zero benefit because THEY ARE ALL THE SAME.
I’ll just add these to the bowl of a million other wine charms she has given me over the years. Maybe one day I’ll throw a party so huge that I actually use all of these. I’ll make sure the theme is: Beach birds of Halloween, in Spring!
The Random Empty Gift Bag
That’s right, the woman sent me an empty gift bag for a bottle of wine. Maybe she’s trying to tell me to buy a bottle of wine, put it in the bag, and gift it back to her.
Okay, so I actually like origami. There’s just something so soothing about folding paper into a little animal. It really takes your mind off the day to day grind. But this particular Dog Origami book is literally for an expert origami-ist (I don’t think that’s a thing). I picked the easiest looking dog out of the 20 different dogs to create, and by the time I got to step 17 of 60 (I’m not kidding), my patience started wavering.
Here’s the end result. Guess which one is mine and which one is the sample the book came with.
Bonus points if you can guess what dog I tried to make.
In my mom’s defense, I’d say she does good with her gift giving 60% of the time. But when she misses the bullseye, she misses it. Like, past the target, the barrel of hay, and into a bystanders leg just munching on a turkey leg. And you know what? I can’t wait for the next miss, because the joy these misses bring me are almost better than the wins.