This goes out to all my thick-ankled and big-calved friends. My friends who could never take advantage of BOGO boot sales because finding one pair that fit over our calf was hard enough. My friends who cringed when ankle-strap shoes came in fashion this winter… a style sure to cut off circulation to the body. My friends who backflipped with joy when Hunter Boots rebranded their big calf brand logo to ‘Hunter’ so we didn’t have to walk around with the word ‘Huntress’ in plain view.
That’s right, I said it. I wear the big-calf Hunters, and I still can’t fit a Wellie sock between my calf and the expanded plastic boot.
And I’m sorry my friends, but this summers shoe fashions suck for us. Recent articles from Who What Wear and InStyle put me into a mild depression after reading about what I have to attempt to sport this summer.
Check out these current trends designed to add inches to our already thick lady legs…
Okay so first off, it’s fucking summer. Who is wearing a leather boot right now?! I live in Florida, so anything other than a flip flop is pure torture during summertime. And for ladies with sopressata legs, the cowboy boot has a magical way of making us look like a Umpa-Lumpa trying out for The Village People.
Look at how deceiving this picture is! The leg room! Bitch please, we all know this boot is going to create a muffin top right below my knee.
Socks with Heels
I said it, socks… with… HEELS! I don’t even know how skinny girls pull this trend off.
Again, let me remind everyone – it’s fucking summer! Why are we wearing socks?! But that’s besides the point, us tree-trunk ladies have to band together to combat this horrible, horrible fad. Nothing adds visual weight to us like a good sock stopping mid-calf, drawing all your attention to the fact that there is no distinctive curve from our ankle to our knee. Hard pass on this one. I may get drunk enough to sport a cowboy boot, but I know better than to tempt the devil.
Because nothing says ‘I just left the orthopedic’s office and they prescribed me to wear these ugly things,’ like a sporty sandal. While moms circa 1980 are rejoicing around the world for the sporty sandal fad, us cankled-cursed ladies know that adding more strap to our feet is a recipe for disaster. I swear, with every unnecessary strap comes on extra perceived pound, and the sporty sandal does not miss an opportunity to add extra material. Pair these suckers with a shift dress and we’re the perfect human lego.
Feel like going through the pain of wearing a heel but getting none of the glory of elongated legs?? Well you’re in luck, because kitten heels are in this summer! For those of us that have to work to show the definition in our legs, kitten heels, plain and simple, are assholes. They put you through the work of wearing a heel and matching an appropriate outfit with it, but then they do nothing to give your legs the figure and shape a normal heel would. And speaking as a woman in general, this shoe just sucks.
We all have that friend that ever so slightly misses the boat in the fashion department… she’s wearing a kitten heel.
And lastly, let’s talk about Mules, where even the name stands for a short and stalky crossbreed of a horse and donkey. That alone should tell us ladies who empathize with Sheeva of Mortal Combat (I’d be angry too with those legs!) that we should pretend like this trend isn’t even happening.
Look at this photo, it’s the worst situation we could put ourselves in! It’s the opposite of our Holy Grail in fashion. It’s… offensive! And I hate the ‘O’ word, so overused these days, but come on! We should all be offended here. Where those shoes stop and those jeans start I refer to as ‘no man’s land’.
Because NO MAN WILL TALK TO YOU IF YOU WEAR THIS.
So that’s it. That’s what we have to deal with this summer. I can only hope for a better fall. I can’t imagine it being any worse for my thick legs. Until then, you’ll find me in flip flops and easy breezy heels.